10 Signs They’re Still Into Their Ex

How to tell if your lover is hung up on a former flame.

Wondering if your honey’s heart remains in the hands of a past love? Holding on to previous romantic attachments can create feelings of distrust and stymie an otherwise promising relationship.

Although there’s no way to know for sure without discussing your concerns openly and honestly with your main squeeze, WebMD asked the experts for the top 10 clues that should at least set off your relationship radar.

1. Talking about the ex too much

Sure, we all compare our current romance to ones we’ve had in the past, and an occasional reference to an old steady is no cause for alarm. “But if it’s happening 24-seven, it’s a problem. It’s going to keep both of you from enjoying the new relationship,” says couples counselor Joan Sherman, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

Sherman tells WebMD that if every story comes back to the other person, it’s probably a sign that they haven’t really moved on — usually because they were left really hurt, because they were so deeply in love, or both.

2. Not talking about them at all

By the same token, silence about a former lover can also scream lack of closure. Guilty feelings from carrying a secret torch often make a person not want to talk about them at all.

If you notice that your partner seems afraid to bring up their ex or they’ve tried and it becomes a sore point, it’s time to ask them why, Sherman says.

3. Online stalking

Whether it’s constantly visiting an old lover’s Facebook page or dating profile, or Googling them all the time, keeping frequent online tabs can be a red flag, says John Gray, PhD, relationship expert and author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. An occasional online glance is reasonable. Even more snooping is OK if the former couple shares kids. But excessive Internet ogling crosses the line. “If they’re spending too much time online following a past partner, it may make you feel neglected,” Gray tells WebMD. “Are you getting what you need from this person? Especially when they spend two hours on Facebook after dinner?” asks Gray, who is also a certified family therapist. If not, it’s time to speak up.

4. Too much contact with their ex

Frequent emails, phone calls, or online messaging with a past love can take away from a relationship. But it’s a matter of context, says advice guru Carolyn Hax. “If we’re talking weekly emails and you are fully invested in your current relationship, then it’s not a sign of anything. But if it’s weekly emails and you aren’t devoted, then a suspicious partner has a legit concern. You haven’t cut the cord,” says Hax, whose Washington Post column is nationally syndicated. A new relationship is all about trust, Sherman says. If you’re not OK with your current partner’s contact with an ex, say so. They should be willing to ask the ex to take a break from each other while you concentrate on yourselves. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but it is the respectful thing to do. How to tell if your lover is hung up on a former flame.

5. Their name slips out during sexual climax

Talk about bad timing. During orgasm, your mind is totally uninhibited, making it easier for someone else’s name to slip out, Gray says. That kind of a mistake usually suggests unresolved feelings for an ex.

6. Keeping mementos

Looking at souvenirs from a relationship is part of the healing process, Sherman says. But when the feelings are resolved, it’s time to let go of the reminders, except for a few. You don’t need to set the favorite sweatshirt and all those love letters out on the curb. But they should be put away, out of everyday reach. As for photos on display, it’s one thing to have a group picture including a past partner on the wall. It’s another to erect a shrine to that person, or plaster the bedroom with a display of your glory days together. A new partner can gently, tactfully suggest keeping those pretty frames and filling them with new memories together.

7. Hot and cold romance

Watch out for a lover who goes back and forth with affections. It might be a sign of inner turmoil, Gray says. They may be cold and pull away when feeling guilty about not giving the same kind of love in their past relationship. Then they may turn up the passion again when they feel guilty for withdrawing.

8. They say they’re not ready to commit

One of the symptoms of not being ready to move on is the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” talk. Or, “I’m into you, but I still want to see others.” If a longstanding relationship isn’t moving to the next level, then the roadblock could be another person from the past. “When someone is wondering, ‘Should I go back? Why didn’t it work?,’ it can build a barrier to moving forward,” Gray says.

9. Trouble in the bedroom

Having problems keeping an erection or reaching orgasm can be a symptom of an emotional hang-up, Gray says. “The guilt creates a sense of unworthiness to receive a partner’s love, and holds you back from fully surrendering to your partner.” Gray emphasizes, however, that many other factors can affect bedroom performance, such as depression, high estrogen levels, excessive belly fat, and drug abuse.

10. You just have a feeling

“Sometimes clients tell me, ‘I have this feeling in my gut that something’s not right,’” Sherman says. It’s a good barometer, she says. If you think something just doesn’t feel right, it’s probably worth bringing it out in the open. It could lead to a discovery about your partner’s feelings for someone else. Also, if you find yourself needing to snoop around – scrolling through the cell phone, peeking at their email, or emptying pockets – then there’s a good chance the relationship has trust problems, Sherman says. So hold off on the detective work, and try to get to the cause of the distrust.

 

How to get past it

As much heartache and headache as it may cause, couples can survive one partner being stuck on a previous failed relationship. But the longer you wait to speak up, the more likely you’ll resent the situation, Sherman says.

To start the dialogue with your hung-up honey, try taking a “working together” approach instead of pushing the other person away with angry words. Use phrases like, “I need your help,” and “I need your reassurance,” and “I love you and want to work with you on this,” to get the ball rolling, Sherman says.

If you’re having problems addressing the issue but really feel it’s worth working on, it may be time to seek help from a couples therapist.

 

Jealousy: A word of caution

If you want to keep a healthy relationship with the love of your life, be careful about prematurely jumping on the jealousy train and making quick accusations. Short of a greater context, there’s no reason to hound them with a “how dare you” attitude at every little suspicion.

“Extreme jealousy is worse than having lingering feelings about someone else,” Hax says. “Often a hang-up is just feelings. But constantly being on the lookout for bad things – that tends to be a deeper problem of trust.”

If you find yourself always having to keep your lover on a short leash, you probably need to look deeply into your own insecurity to find its roots. Don’t go making your problem someone else’s.

4 Sex Mistakes Women Make

WebMD explains the 4 biggest sex mistakes women make and reasons why women make them.

Ladies, be honest: when your sex life becomes a little humdrum, out comes the mental catalogue of all the ways your partner isn’t quite measuring up. Guys tend to get a bad rap when it comes to understanding women’s bodies and what turns us on, making them easy targets in the blame game when sexual satisfaction starts to wane. And sure, they make their fair share of bedroom errors. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. As it turns out, top sex and relationship experts say that women make plenty of sex mistakes of their own. Here’s what they have to say about the six most common mistakes women make in the bedroom and what you can do to get the satisfaction you so rightly deserve.

 

Sex Mistake #1: Not Initiating Sex With Your Partner

Many of us worry about ladylike behavior. We don’t want to appear pushy or come on too strong for fear of being labeled aggressive. According to Les Parrot, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and author of a new book called Crazy Good Sex, failing to initiate sex is one of the biggest mistakes women make. “Most guys feel like they are always the initiator and that sets up disequilibrium on the passion scale in the relationship,” he says. Generally, men want to be pursued by their partners just as much as women do. Holding onto outdated ideas about sex roles also inhibits satisfaction with our sexual relationship, says “Dr. Ruth,” aka Ruth Westheimer, PhD, a psychosexual therapist, professor at New York University, and lecturer at Yale and Princeton universities. “They used to think that women are less interested in sexual activity and I don’t want to say that anymore. I think there are women who are as interested in sex [as men].” Show your interest by taking the first step from time to time. Your partner will likely appreciate it, and you may find a new level of satisfaction in taking responsibility for your sexual experience, something Westheimer feels strongly women must do.

 

Sex Mistake #2: Worrying About What You Look Like

Thinking about how you look during sex stops you from enjoying yourself and ruins your chances of achieving an orgasm. “Don’t think about the fat on your belly or the makeup on your face,” advises Westheimer. “Concentrate on the pleasure of the act. You must give yourself permission to have an orgasm.” “Men want their wives to abandon themselves in sex play, and that’s not likely if she is anxious about her physical concerns,” Parrott says. Helen Fisher, PhD, a cultural anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of a new book called Why Him, Why Her, says men don’t notice half the things women obsess about anyway.

 

Sex Mistake #3: Not Giving Him Guidance

Talking very directly about sex, what we like and don’t like can make us feel uncomfortable, even with a partner we’ve been with for a long time and otherwise feel close to, says Parrott. But it’s the only way to achieve a satisfying sexual relationship. “A woman must take responsibility for her sexual encounter,” says Westheimer. “No man can bring a woman to orgasm if she doesn’t take responsibility for her sexual experience. Even the best lover can’t know what she needs without her letting him know.” The good news, according to Fisher, is that men very much want to please women. “If you can tell them in a way that doesn’t kill their ego, they will appreciate it,” says Fisher. She advises women to sandwich what they don’t like in between five things they do, because he’s listening. “You won’t find out until the next time you’re in bed with him. But men do listen, particularly if you’re quite clear about it.”

Sex Mistake #4: Getting Upset When He Suggests Something New

After a couple has been together for a while, it’s natural to want to spice things up with a little variety. Just because your man wants to try something new doesn’t mean he’s unhappy with you or your sex life. In short: Don’t take it personally. Still, it’s important that you tune into your comfort zone says Parrott. “Nobody should ever feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do in the personal and intimate area of sexuality,” Parrott says. “If your man asks you about trying something that’s outside of your morals, make it clear that it’s off limits for you and explain why. Of course, do this in a loving way as best you can. If it is something that is not really a moral issue for you but you still don’t want to, again explain why. If it is a simply a startling request and you’re initially uneasy about it, try not to overreact. Instead, let him know you need some time to think about it.”