Even experienced men make rookie mistakes when they go to bed with a new woman for the first time. And she’s taking mental notes. “First-time sex gives her a sense of your generosity and how much you care about her,” says the sex therapist Sandor Gardos, Ph.D. Nearly two-thirds of the 2,385 women we polled say they consider first-time sex an indicator of a relationship’s potential. Here’s how to best finesse your first.
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Study Flouts Conventional Wisdom About Low Libido in Older Women.
Many women continue to be sexually active after menopause and most say they are satisfied with their sex lives, particularly if they are married or have a regular partner, a large new study shows.Among women who reported being dissatisfied with their sex lives, however, 57% said they wanted to have more sex, while only 8% said they would have preferred to have less.
The study is a new analysis of health information collected on more than 27,000 women ages 50 to 79 who took part in the government-funded Women’s Health Initiative study.
As researchers expected, sexual activity declined with age. The main reasons women said they stopped having sex were the loss of an able partner, poor health, and poor quality of life.
The finding that many older women would prefer to have more sex was something of a surprise. Previously, doctors had believed that women stopped having sex as they got older because their sex drives fizzled.
“This is the first study that indicates that [older] women would actually like to have more sex,” says Gisele Wolf-Klein, MD, director of geriatric education at the North Shore-LIJ Health System in New Hyde Park, N.Y.
“We know sexual activity decreases with age, and we do attribute that to lack of a partner, but we thought that women were kind of happy with this. That it didn’t represent a major problem. Well, that does not seem to be the case,” says Wolf-Klein, who was not involved in the research.
“These people are looking and interested in resuming sexual activity,” she tells WebMD.
Medical experts reveal interesting facts that men and women will find educational — and surprising.
Here are some things you might have wondered about your penis, but were afraid to ask.
No. 1: Your Penis Does Have a Mind of Its Own
You’ve probably noticed that your penis often does its own thing. You may remember times when it was completely inappropriate to have an erection; and yet you couldn’t wish it away.
It’s true that you have less command over your penis than body parts like your arms and legs. That’s because the penis answers to a part of the nervous system that’s not always under your conscious control. This is called the autonomic nervous system, which also regulates heart rate and blood pressure.
Sexual arousal usually isn’t voluntary. The conscious mind is complicit in it, but a lot of sexual arousal goes on in the sympathetic nervous system. In addition, impulses from the brain during the REM phase of sleep cause erections, whether you’re dreaming about sex or about a test you forgot to study for. Heavy lifting or straining to have a bowel movement can also produce an erection.
Just as the penis grows without your consent, sometimes it shrinks. “The flaccid penis varies in size considerably within a given man,” says Drogo Montague, MD, a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Exposure to cold water or air makes your penis shrink. That’s a function of the sympathetic nervous system.
Psychological stress also involves the sympathetic nervous system, and stress has the same effect as a cold shower, Montague says. When you’re relaxed and feeling well, your flaccid penis looks bigger than when you’re stressed out. Psychological stress can result in loss of libido and problems with erections. Both stress and anxiety are leading causes of temporary erectile dysfunction or ED. Being able to manage stress and control anxiety will help you get your erectile function back.
Of course, not all ED is caused by psychological problems such as stress. Physical problems such as atherosclerosis or high blood pressure can inhibit the flow of blood to your penis. Type 2 diabetes can damage both blood vessels and the nerves involved in getting an erection. Excessive alcohol consumption can also interfere with getting an erection.
The penis is “kind of a barometer of the sympathetic nervous system,” Montague says. So the greeting, “How’s it hanging?” is more apt than you might have realized.
No. 2: Your Penis May Be a ‘Grower’ or a ‘Show-er’
Among men, there is no consistent relationship between the size of the flaccid penis and its full erect length.
In one study of 80 men, researchers found that increases from flaccid to erect lengths ranged widely, from less than a quarter inch to 3.5 inches longer.
Whatever the clinical significance of these data may be, the locker-room significance is considerable. You can’t assume that a dude with a big limp penis gets much bigger with an erection. And the guy whose penis looks tiny could surprise you with a big erection.
An analysis of more than a thousand measurements taken by sex researcher Alfred Kinsey shows that shorter flaccid penises tend to gain about twice as much length as longer flaccid penises.
A penis that doesn’t gain much length with an erection has become known as a “show-er,” and a penis that gains a lot is said to be a “grower.” These are not medical terms, and there aren’t scientifically established thresholds for what’s a show-er or a grower.
Kinsey’s data suggest that most penises aren’t extreme show-ers or growers. About 12% of penises gained one-third or less of their total length with an erection, and about 7% doubled in length when erect.
No. 3: Your Penis Is Shaped Like a Boomerang
Your penis is shaped like a boomerang. Just like you don’t see all of a big oak tree above ground, you don’t see the root of your penis tucked up inside your pelvis and attached to your pubic bone.
In an MRI picture, the penis looks distinctly boomerang-like, as noted by a French researcher who studied men and women having sex inside an MRI scanner.
One method of surgical “penis enlargement” is to cut the ligament that holds the root of the penis up inside the pelvis. This operation may give some men a little extra length if more of the penis protrudes from the body, but there are side effects. This ligament, called the suspensory ligament, makes an erection sturdy. With that ligament cut, the erect penis loses its upward angle and it wobbles at the base. The lack of sturdiness can lead to injury.
No. 4: You Can Break Your Penis
There is no “penis bone,” but you can break your penis all the same. It’s called penile fracture, and it’s not a subtle injury. When it happens, there’s “an audible pop or snap,” Montague says. Then the penis turns black and blue. And there’s terrible pain.
Penile fracture is rare, and it typically happens to younger men because their erections tend to be quite rigid.
Here’s how to avoid penile fracture: don’t use your penis too roughly. A common way that penile fracture happens, Montague says, is when a man is thrusting too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner’s pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves wildly while on top of a man during sex can break a man’s penis.
Peyronie’s syndrome is a related condition that tends to show up more in older men, Montague says. An older man’s erection may not be as rigid, but still is hard enough for sex. Over time, if the penis bends too much a certain way during sex, small tears in the tissue can form scars, and the accumulated scar tissue gives the penis an abnormally curved shape.
Not all penis curvature is a problem, however. “There is a lot of variability in what normal is,” Cummings says.
No. 5: Most Penises in the World Are Uncut
A report by the World Health Organization (WHO) and the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) estimates that worldwide only 30% of males aged 15 and up are circumcised.
Rates vary greatly depending upon religion and nationality. Almost all Jewish and Muslim males in the world have circumcised penises, and together they account for about 70% of all circumcised males globally.
The United States has the highest proportion of males circumcised for non-religious reasons. A whopping 75% of non-Jewish, non-Muslim American men are circumcised. Compare that to Canada, where only 30% are. In the U.K. it’s 20%; in Australia it’s merely 6%.
The practice of circumcising baby boys for medical and cosmetic reasons has become controversial in the U.S. But recently the World Health Organization (WHO) and the UUNAIDS recommended circumcision for adult men, based upon evidence that men with circumcised penises have a lower risk of being infected with HIV.
The CDC estimates that about 65% of all newborn boys get circumcised in the U.S.
So How’s Your Sex Life? Here Are 6 Tips for Making It Great
Was it good for you? If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t as good as you think it could have been.
You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay — she melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic climax — you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.
For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically, we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual pleasure.
To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex? Of course we can.
But first we should decide what great sex is.
“Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”
Great Sex Tip 1: Take Up Pillow Talk Right.
The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Shoot for trust and openness. “If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.
Great Sex Tip 2: Don’t Believe Locker Room Talk
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another. “A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says. “They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.” According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly once every 10 days.
Great Sex Tip 3: Don’t Compare Your Sex Life With Porn
Not everything men know about sex they learned from pornography. But a lot of it they did. And that can be a problem. Populated as it is by flawlessly formed women and men with etched abs and equine endowments, adult entertainment makes many guys wonder: What am I doing wrong? Or, more to the point: What’s wrong with me? “One of the most destructive myths of porn is that it convinces so many guys that they’re too small,” Castleman says. “They forget that pornography is self-selecting…These are not average men. They’re the extreme end of the scale.” Some of the other fictions that porn perpetuates are the idea that women are always primed and ready (“in the real world,” Davidson says, “people do say ‘no’”); that the same moves work on every partner; that satisfying sex always culminates in orgasm. There are positives to porn — it can, for example, inspire us to greater sexual exploration. But when Debbie Did Dallas, she also did damage to the way men often think about sex. “I’m not going to stand in the way of your watching porn, as long as you’re aware that it’s not reality,” Castleman says. “It’s like watching a car chase in an action movie. It’s exciting. It’s entertaining. But everyone knows it’s not the way to drive.”
Great Sex Tip 4: Focus on Pleasurable Sensations
While we’re on driving, let’s talk about commutes. And cubicles. And computers. And the demands and distractions of our daily lives. Stress is an enemy of great sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our monkey-minds, put a stop to that ceaseless inner-chatter, we can open ourselves up to better sex,” Britton says. She recommends that men adopt a mantra: FOPS, or Focus on Pleasurable Sensations. “There are techniques ranging from eye-gazing to massage and synchronized breathing that help keep you in the moment,” Britton says. “Great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future, like worrying about how quickly you’re going to come.”
Great Sex Tip 5: Focus Less on Size and More on Other Matters
“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t matter,” Davidson says. “There are plenty of women for whom it absolutely does. But I prefer to focus on the idea of the right fit.” No two people are built the same, and it helps to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of modest size may be a perfect fit. It’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. But perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only path to satisfying sex. Focus on foreplay. Concentrate on kissing, cooing, caressing — the full panoply of sexual pleasure giving. “A lot of women are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking,” Davidson says. “If a man has verbal facility and can entice a woman through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his repertoire.
Great Sex Tip 6: Schedule Sex. Really.
What sounds rote and dreary can actually be dreamy, says Michael Castleman, who recommends the strategy especially to couples in long-term relationships, who’ve passed the can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other phase. “There’s this powerful mythology that says you should fall into each other’s arms spontaneously, with string music playing and the sun setting in the West, and if that doesn’t happen there’s something wrong with you,” Castleman says. “Nonsense. Real life doesn’t work that way.” Rather than heightening the pressure to perform (“It’s now, or never!”), scheduling can actually make sex more relaxing. You can develop sensual rituals, make romantic gestures in anticipation of your encounter. You can give each other massages or take a shower together. Castleman says that scheduling sex also eliminates conflict over desire differences. “People say, ‘What if I’m not in the mood?’ Well, one of the things about relationships is that you sometimes make compromises. But what astonishes people once they start scheduling sex is that they can actually enjoy it.”
Smoking can decrease libido.
When Mark Jordan was a 22-year-old substitute teacher in Phoenix, he had been smoking for about a year and noticed the fire in his love life was no longer raging.
“Sex was suddenly getting boring,” he says. “I didn’t want to have it. I would get out of breath so easily, and I simply felt gross.” While he averaged only half a pack a day, he often smoked much more on the weekends. The effects were not good.
“I remember having sex in the shower and feeling like I was going to pass out,” he says. That was a turning point. He stopped smoking, started exercising, and began to eat right. After the changes, he had a much greater interest in sex and enjoys it more than ever.
Being able to dump the cigarettes is a real accomplishment — especially when you consider how smoking can become intertwined with the intimacy of a relationship. Last year, for example, researchers at the University of Arizona began to study couples where at least one member of the relationship smoked.
The investigators began to realize that smoking actually became a method of subtle communication for members of the couples being studied. Lighting up gave clues to each partner that it was time to talk, time to give space, or even time to defend yourself because a world-class argument was about to begin.
The federally funded study is scheduled to go on for another year, and hopefully, will provide methods to help counsel couples how to recognize cigarettes as an abusive third member of their relationship. If couples are going to weed the habit from their lives, the researchers say they will have to find other ways to relate to each other, and more often than just during the familiar after-sex smoke.
And of course, as Jordan found, smoking can directly torpedo the sex, too.
“Smoking has a direct, negative effect on the sexuality of a man on every level,” says Panayiotis M. Zavos, PhD, director of the Andrology Institute of America and professor of reproductive physiology and andrology at the University of Kentucky in Lexington.
From their work with couples being treated for infertility, Zavos and his fellow researchers have found that men’s smoking had a significant and negative effect on the ability to conceive. But they also turned up a surprise: Smoking significantly diminished a man’s sexual desire and satisfaction — even for young men in their 20s and 30s.
The smokers reported having sex less than six times a month, whereas the nonsmoking men were having sex nearly twice as often. This difference is especially significant considering that these couples were actively trying to conceive. “In current research, we are trying to identify how and why tobacco use negatively impacts men’s sexual performance. In my clinical experience, it does decrease performance. Sexual performance is more than just erectile function; it involves many of the systems of the body,” says Zavos. “But when a man’s ability to have sex decreases, his appetite for sex will generally follow.”
Zavos found that when diminished desire is combined with impaired performance, overall satisfaction is likely to suffer. When asked to rate their satisfaction with the sex they were having on a scale of 1 to 10, nonsmoking couples averaged 8.7, while couples with male smokers fared far worse with an average of only 5.2. “There’s no doubt in my mind,” says Zavos, “that nearly any man’s sexual satisfaction and frequency [of having sex] would increase if he stopped smoking.”
Other experts agree that smoking can impair sexual performance. “Smoking causes damage to smooth muscle inside the penis that interferes with erectile functioning,” says Richard Milsten, MD, co-author of The Sexual Male and a urologist for more than 30 years in Woodbury, N.J. “So if men can’t perform as well, it would make sense that their libidos would suffer.” However, Milsten cautions against simple explanations for sexual behavior. “There are so many factors in sexuality. Smoking is just one. Still, I don’t think it’s outlandish to say that refraining from smoking will benefit your sex life.”
5 Exercises for Better Sex
To “keep your sex life awesome,” exercise physiologist Rich Weil, MEd, CDE suggests these top five “sexercises.”
• Pushups. If you’re going to pick just one exercise to do, this is the one to go for, Weil says, “for all the obvious reasons.”
If you can’t do basic training-quality pushups at first, start with wall presses (essentially pushups done against the wall), aiming for 3 sets of 12-15 repetitions. When you’re ready, progress to knee pushups on the floor, making sure to keep your back straight while you slowly touch your nose to the ground. Once you’re ready to kick it up a notch, progress to traditional hand-and-toe pushups.
• Abdominals. After pushups, your abs are the next most critical sex-boosting body area, says Weil, director of the New York Obesity Research Center Weight Loss Program at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital Center, and an exercise and fitness expert on WebMD’s message boards. “After all, you have to use your abdominal muscles during sex.”
Weil suggests starting your ab workout with good old-fashioned crunches. Lie on your back, hands supporting your neck, knees bent and your feet on the floor, then bring your body up just enough to get your shoulders off the ground. Do 3-5 sets of 15-20 repetitions.
For additional ab oomph, Weil suggests men and women also do bridges (lying on your back, knees bent, lift your hips up and down; 3 sets of 15 reps). Men can also try pelvic tilts (standing up or lying down, straighten your lower back and pull your belly button in until your lower back touches the wall or floor), while women can try Kegels (contract your pelvic muscles (the ones you’d use to stop the flow of urine); squeeze the muscles tight for 3 seconds, then relax for 3 seconds. Do 10-15 repetitions, three times a day).
• Deadlifts. This exercise will keep your back as strong as it can be, says Weil, and give your legs and torso a workout, too. Deadlifts, where you raise a weighted barbell or dumbbells from the ground, starting in a neutral bent-over position, is easy to do — and easy to do wrong, so technique is important, according to the American Council on Exercise. Get some pro tips online or at your gym to be sure you’re getting the most out of doing deadlifts.
• Torso side bends and twists. And to get the most from this exercise, as well as the next one, head to the gym. The effort is worth it, because torso side bends and twists will keep your upper body strong, says Weil, and give you stamina. “Do them on the cable crossover machine for maximum effect.”
• Pushing or pulling exercise in the gym. While you’re at the gym, rows, flyes and lateral raises on that same cable crossover machine will do a great job for your performance in the bedroom, says Weil. Remember to get a few quick tips from a pro on how to do these exercises most effectively.
How to tell if your lover is hung up on a former flame.
Wondering if your honey’s heart remains in the hands of a past love? Holding on to previous romantic attachments can create feelings of distrust and stymie an otherwise promising relationship.
Although there’s no way to know for sure without discussing your concerns openly and honestly with your main squeeze, WebMD asked the experts for the top 10 clues that should at least set off your relationship radar.
1. Talking about the ex too much
Sure, we all compare our current romance to ones we’ve had in the past, and an occasional reference to an old steady is no cause for alarm. “But if it’s happening 24-seven, it’s a problem. It’s going to keep both of you from enjoying the new relationship,” says couples counselor Joan Sherman, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).
Sherman tells WebMD that if every story comes back to the other person, it’s probably a sign that they haven’t really moved on — usually because they were left really hurt, because they were so deeply in love, or both.
2. Not talking about them at all
By the same token, silence about a former lover can also scream lack of closure. Guilty feelings from carrying a secret torch often make a person not want to talk about them at all.
If you notice that your partner seems afraid to bring up their ex or they’ve tried and it becomes a sore point, it’s time to ask them why, Sherman says.
3. Online stalking
Whether it’s constantly visiting an old lover’s Facebook page or dating profile, or Googling them all the time, keeping frequent online tabs can be a red flag, says John Gray, PhD, relationship expert and author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. An occasional online glance is reasonable. Even more snooping is OK if the former couple shares kids. But excessive Internet ogling crosses the line. “If they’re spending too much time online following a past partner, it may make you feel neglected,” Gray tells WebMD. “Are you getting what you need from this person? Especially when they spend two hours on Facebook after dinner?” asks Gray, who is also a certified family therapist. If not, it’s time to speak up.
4. Too much contact with their ex
Frequent emails, phone calls, or online messaging with a past love can take away from a relationship. But it’s a matter of context, says advice guru Carolyn Hax. “If we’re talking weekly emails and you are fully invested in your current relationship, then it’s not a sign of anything. But if it’s weekly emails and you aren’t devoted, then a suspicious partner has a legit concern. You haven’t cut the cord,” says Hax, whose Washington Post column is nationally syndicated. A new relationship is all about trust, Sherman says. If you’re not OK with your current partner’s contact with an ex, say so. They should be willing to ask the ex to take a break from each other while you concentrate on yourselves. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but it is the respectful thing to do. How to tell if your lover is hung up on a former flame.
5. Their name slips out during sexual climax
Talk about bad timing. During orgasm, your mind is totally uninhibited, making it easier for someone else’s name to slip out, Gray says. That kind of a mistake usually suggests unresolved feelings for an ex.
6. Keeping mementos
Looking at souvenirs from a relationship is part of the healing process, Sherman says. But when the feelings are resolved, it’s time to let go of the reminders, except for a few. You don’t need to set the favorite sweatshirt and all those love letters out on the curb. But they should be put away, out of everyday reach. As for photos on display, it’s one thing to have a group picture including a past partner on the wall. It’s another to erect a shrine to that person, or plaster the bedroom with a display of your glory days together. A new partner can gently, tactfully suggest keeping those pretty frames and filling them with new memories together.
7. Hot and cold romance
Watch out for a lover who goes back and forth with affections. It might be a sign of inner turmoil, Gray says. They may be cold and pull away when feeling guilty about not giving the same kind of love in their past relationship. Then they may turn up the passion again when they feel guilty for withdrawing.
8. They say they’re not ready to commit
One of the symptoms of not being ready to move on is the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” talk. Or, “I’m into you, but I still want to see others.” If a longstanding relationship isn’t moving to the next level, then the roadblock could be another person from the past. “When someone is wondering, ‘Should I go back? Why didn’t it work?,’ it can build a barrier to moving forward,” Gray says.
9. Trouble in the bedroom
Having problems keeping an erection or reaching orgasm can be a symptom of an emotional hang-up, Gray says. “The guilt creates a sense of unworthiness to receive a partner’s love, and holds you back from fully surrendering to your partner.” Gray emphasizes, however, that many other factors can affect bedroom performance, such as depression, high estrogen levels, excessive belly fat, and drug abuse.
10. You just have a feeling
“Sometimes clients tell me, ‘I have this feeling in my gut that something’s not right,’” Sherman says. It’s a good barometer, she says. If you think something just doesn’t feel right, it’s probably worth bringing it out in the open. It could lead to a discovery about your partner’s feelings for someone else. Also, if you find yourself needing to snoop around – scrolling through the cell phone, peeking at their email, or emptying pockets – then there’s a good chance the relationship has trust problems, Sherman says. So hold off on the detective work, and try to get to the cause of the distrust.
How to get past it
As much heartache and headache as it may cause, couples can survive one partner being stuck on a previous failed relationship. But the longer you wait to speak up, the more likely you’ll resent the situation, Sherman says.
To start the dialogue with your hung-up honey, try taking a “working together” approach instead of pushing the other person away with angry words. Use phrases like, “I need your help,” and “I need your reassurance,” and “I love you and want to work with you on this,” to get the ball rolling, Sherman says.
If you’re having problems addressing the issue but really feel it’s worth working on, it may be time to seek help from a couples therapist.
Jealousy: A word of caution
If you want to keep a healthy relationship with the love of your life, be careful about prematurely jumping on the jealousy train and making quick accusations. Short of a greater context, there’s no reason to hound them with a “how dare you” attitude at every little suspicion.
“Extreme jealousy is worse than having lingering feelings about someone else,” Hax says. “Often a hang-up is just feelings. But constantly being on the lookout for bad things – that tends to be a deeper problem of trust.”
If you find yourself always having to keep your lover on a short leash, you probably need to look deeply into your own insecurity to find its roots. Don’t go making your problem someone else’s.
WebMD explains the 4 biggest sex mistakes women make and reasons why women make them.
Ladies, be honest: when your sex life becomes a little humdrum, out comes the mental catalogue of all the ways your partner isn’t quite measuring up. Guys tend to get a bad rap when it comes to understanding women’s bodies and what turns us on, making them easy targets in the blame game when sexual satisfaction starts to wane. And sure, they make their fair share of bedroom errors. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. As it turns out, top sex and relationship experts say that women make plenty of sex mistakes of their own. Here’s what they have to say about the six most common mistakes women make in the bedroom and what you can do to get the satisfaction you so rightly deserve.
Sex Mistake #1: Not Initiating Sex With Your Partner
Many of us worry about ladylike behavior. We don’t want to appear pushy or come on too strong for fear of being labeled aggressive. According to Les Parrot, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and author of a new book called Crazy Good Sex, failing to initiate sex is one of the biggest mistakes women make. “Most guys feel like they are always the initiator and that sets up disequilibrium on the passion scale in the relationship,” he says. Generally, men want to be pursued by their partners just as much as women do. Holding onto outdated ideas about sex roles also inhibits satisfaction with our sexual relationship, says “Dr. Ruth,” aka Ruth Westheimer, PhD, a psychosexual therapist, professor at New York University, and lecturer at Yale and Princeton universities. “They used to think that women are less interested in sexual activity and I don’t want to say that anymore. I think there are women who are as interested in sex [as men].” Show your interest by taking the first step from time to time. Your partner will likely appreciate it, and you may find a new level of satisfaction in taking responsibility for your sexual experience, something Westheimer feels strongly women must do.
Sex Mistake #2: Worrying About What You Look Like
Thinking about how you look during sex stops you from enjoying yourself and ruins your chances of achieving an orgasm. “Don’t think about the fat on your belly or the makeup on your face,” advises Westheimer. “Concentrate on the pleasure of the act. You must give yourself permission to have an orgasm.” “Men want their wives to abandon themselves in sex play, and that’s not likely if she is anxious about her physical concerns,” Parrott says. Helen Fisher, PhD, a cultural anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of a new book called Why Him, Why Her, says men don’t notice half the things women obsess about anyway.
Sex Mistake #3: Not Giving Him Guidance
Talking very directly about sex, what we like and don’t like can make us feel uncomfortable, even with a partner we’ve been with for a long time and otherwise feel close to, says Parrott. But it’s the only way to achieve a satisfying sexual relationship. “A woman must take responsibility for her sexual encounter,” says Westheimer. “No man can bring a woman to orgasm if she doesn’t take responsibility for her sexual experience. Even the best lover can’t know what she needs without her letting him know.” The good news, according to Fisher, is that men very much want to please women. “If you can tell them in a way that doesn’t kill their ego, they will appreciate it,” says Fisher. She advises women to sandwich what they don’t like in between five things they do, because he’s listening. “You won’t find out until the next time you’re in bed with him. But men do listen, particularly if you’re quite clear about it.”
Sex Mistake #4: Getting Upset When He Suggests Something New
After a couple has been together for a while, it’s natural to want to spice things up with a little variety. Just because your man wants to try something new doesn’t mean he’s unhappy with you or your sex life. In short: Don’t take it personally. Still, it’s important that you tune into your comfort zone says Parrott. “Nobody should ever feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do in the personal and intimate area of sexuality,” Parrott says. “If your man asks you about trying something that’s outside of your morals, make it clear that it’s off limits for you and explain why. Of course, do this in a loving way as best you can. If it is something that is not really a moral issue for you but you still don’t want to, again explain why. If it is a simply a startling request and you’re initially uneasy about it, try not to overreact. Instead, let him know you need some time to think about it.”
Top l
ibido busters, from medical conditions to stress, could be causing your lowered sex drive.
Sometimes you can’t when you want to. Sometimes you want to when you can’t.
Sex drive killers come in all guises. They strike men and women, young and old. They can target your brain and your body. For Bonne Oliverio, a retired information specialist who lives just outside Cleveland, the drugs she takes for multiple sclerosis cause vaginal dryness, a real anti-aphrodisiac.
“For 45 years, I’ve had a really good, solid marriage, especially sexually,” says Oliverio, 65, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis about 15 years ago. “But the medication and pain really interfere with our sex life.”
Causes of Libido Loss
Medications that often drag down your sex drive include antidepressants and blood pressure medications, antihistamines and — ironically — oral contraceptives. But meds are just one of a myriad of libido busters. Other common culprits include:
Erectile dysfunction. ED might not cause a drop in your sex drive, but worrying about it sure can.
Menopause. Hormonal changes can make sex painful, but don’t ignore the other related causes that can sap your sex drive. Low self-esteem and body image blues are big turnoffs.
Depression. A vicious cycle, depression can cause your sex drive to dip precipitously, and that drop-off can further fuel your depression.
Stress. Worrying and wooing do not mix. Stress keeps you from focusing on your partner — and your pleasure — and saps the energy you need to perform.
Alcohol. You may feel like Don Juan after a couple of drinks, but alcohol can leave you feeling numb just when you need to be aroused.
Other causes include sleeplessness, lack of intimacy, obesity — we could go on. Sex drive killers are legion, after all. Rare, though, are doctors who ask their patients about their sex lives.
“Doctors are just not good at asking about it, even gynecologists,” says Carolyn Nemec, MD, a family physician who specializes in female sexual dysfunction and sexual medicine at the Cleveland Clinic.
Nemec has been Oliverio’s physician for the past two years. Their initial conversation led to a treatment — an estrogen ring that reduces dryness — that has helped Oliverio get her groove back. In fact, successful treatments exist for many causes of low libido, if only you and your doctor talk about it.
But, says Nemec, “One study found that doctors asked about their patients’ sex lives only 5% to 10% of the time. We need to do better. People are suffering and we aren’t asking.”
How to Increase Your Libido
Check out these three tips to help keep your sex drive from getting stuck in neutral.
Technique matters. “Know your body and how it works,” says Carolyn Nemec, MD. “We can pick up a cookbook, so why can’t we pick up a sex book?”
Take care of your ticker. “Cholesterol, anything that affects the heart, that reduces blood flow, affects sex,” Nemec says. “And people who exercise have more and better sex.”
Get tested. Hormone imbalances can cause trouble for men and women, Nemec says. Ask your doctor to see how your levels measure up.
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If you are being treated for moderate to severe depression, a doctor or psychiatrist has probably prescribed an antidepressant medication for you. When they work properly, they help to relieve symptoms and, along with other approaches such as talk therapy, are an important part of treatment.
One way antidepressants work is by altering the balance of certain chemicals in your brain. And, as with all medicines, this change can cause side effects. Some, like jitteriness, weird dreams, dry mouth, and diarrhea typically go away after a week or two — if they don’t, it’s probably best to switch to another drug. Others, like decreased sexual desire, may last longer.
Not everyone has the same side effects. And a particular antidepressant doesn’t cause the same side effects in all people. Many things, including your genetic makeup or existing health conditions, can affect the way you respond to taking an antidepressant.
It’s important to keep track of side effects and discuss them with your doctor. Together, you and your doctor can safely manage your antidepressants so they work with minimal side effects.
Common Side Effects of Antidepressants
Antidepressants can sometimes cause a wide range of unpleasant side effects, including:
- nausea
- increased appetite and weight gain
- loss of sexual desire and other sexual problems, such as erectile dysfunction and decreased orgasm
- fatigue and drowsiness
- insomnia
- dry mouth
- blurred vision
- constipation
- dizziness
- agitation
- irritability
- anxiety
Antidepressants and Sexual Problems
One of the more common “though not frequently talked about” side effects is decreased interest in sex or decreased ability to have an orgasm. As many as half the patients who get SSRIs report a sex-related symptom, says Bradley N. Gaynes, MD, MPH, associate professor of psychiatry at the University of North Carolina.
One way to address such symptoms is to add a different type of antidepressant or even a medication for erectile dysfunction, Gaynes says. But it’s also possible that switching to another antidepressant will make these symptoms go away. Never stop taking the antidepressant without discussing it with your doctor. Stopping abruptly could cause serious withdrawal-like problems.
Antidepressants and Weight
Another, less well-documented side effect of antidepressants is weight gain. Go on any health message board and you’ll read accounts of patients disturbed by the amount of weight they’ve gained — or in a few cases, lost — since going on an antidepressant.
One of the problems, says Gaynes, is knowing how much of the weight gain or loss can be attributed to the drug and how much can be attributed to other factors, such as a person’s normal behaviors around food.
Yet some reliable medical studies have shown that long-term use of antidepressants can raise the risk of weight gain and related illnesses — type 2 diabetes and hypertension.
“Weight gain and loss of sexual interest and performance are the main things I hear about,” says Myrna Weissman, PhD, a clinician and epidemiologist at Columbia University. “The new drugs typically claim to have fewer side effects, but I don’t know that the data supports that. Sometimes there are pretty striking weight gains.”
Some studies and anecdotal evidence suggest that bupropion (Wellbutrin), which works on both the serotonin and dopamine chemicals in the brain, may be less likely to cause weight gain than commonly prescribed selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like citalopram (Celexa), sertraline (Zoloft), and paroxetine (Paxil).
Antidepressants and Sleepiness
Certain antidepressants are more energizing, which may be right for someone who feels sleepy often. Other antidepressants tend to have drowsiness as a side effect, which may be good for people who are often anxious.
For example, drugs like mirtazapine (Remeron), which can cause weight gain and sleepiness, may be the right drug for patients who have trouble sleeping, or gaining weight.
If you feel sleepy on your antidepressant, talk to your doctor. You have many options.
Antidepressants, Talk Therapy, and Challenges
In addition to physical symptoms, recovering patients may experience new challenges as the wool of depression is pulled from over their hearts and eyes.
“People sometimes get worse in therapy before they get better,” says Gabrielle Melin, MD, clinical psychiatrist at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. “Talk therapy takes work. It takes emotional energy. It can be physically draining, too. But sometimes you’ll feel worse in the process of getting to where you want to be and who you want to be.
“Depression can mask a lot of things. You get so wrapped in a fog and feel so awful that you don’t have the energy to deal with real problems. Sometimes depression is self-protective because it limits the energy you have to go to certain places.”
To a lesser extent, even taking a pill can create an environment of new stresses. “You’re feeling better, more aware, more focused – sometimes you’re more able to recognize things you were doing wrong,” says Melin. “Your attention and focus can be profoundly affected.”
When her patients feel better, Melin says, she may encourage them to work on feelings and behaviors in talk therapy. If a drug helps a patient lift the veil of listlessness and hopelessness, he or she will have more energy to work on fixing problems in life and relationships.
What About the Risk of Suicide on Antidepressants?
Many people have heard about the suicide warnings that the Food and Drug Administration ordered antidepressant manufacturers to post on their package inserts. The package inserts note that children, adolescents, and young adults with major depression or other psychiatric disorder who take antidepressants may be at increased risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior, especially during the first month of treatment. They should be monitored carefully.
No increased risk has been seen in older adult patients. And if you are over the age of 65, you may actually have less risk of suicide when taking antidepressants.
Having suicidal thoughts while taking an antidepressant is a serious side effect. It needs the attention of your doctor as soon as possible. Please don’t try to deal with those feelings alone.
Remember, most people with depression get better. You may need to try a few different antidepressants to find the right one for you. And getting talk therapy at the same time is the most effective treatment for depression, studies show. Work closely with your doctor, and give your treatment time to succeed.
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